Peace Of Mind
by Pixie
Summary: This is Buffy finding peace of mind, she's questioning herself.


Title: Peace of Mind  
  
Author: Pixie  
  
Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own anything  
  
Distribution: You want it? Ask first, than you can have it.  
  
My Site: www.angelfire.com/rant/nowandforever/enter.html  
  
Spoilers: "The Body" and previous.  
  
Author's Note: Buffy's thoughts, not in POV form cause I suck at those.  
  
Author's Note 2: Not Beta-d, sorry for the mistakes.  
  
Author's Note 3: This is also a fic to help me with all the angst that is on the show right now, this is, in a way, reminding everyone of Buffy's and Angel's love.  
  
Feedback: Please! Pixie232@cs.com  
  
Summary: I'm not sure where I'm going with this one so stick with me. But this is Buffy finding peace of mind, she's questioning herself.  
  
Rating: PG?  
  
**********  
  
Insanity. Maybe she was insane. What better word to describe the twisted thoughts that kept creeping through her twisted mind?  
  
None. Only insanity seemed to fit.  
  
Was she insane? Was she really the person she once was? Or had she changed?  
  
She didn't know anymore. She didn't know who she was anymore.  
  
Not really. She never did, except for that one time. But it was gone.  
  
All she really knew about herself was that she was a slayer.  
  
One girl in every generation. The slayer. The one and only.  
  
Only it wasn't just her anymore.  
  
There was Faith.  
  
Who was she? If Faith was the slayer, was she a slayer as well? Was Faith *even* a slayer? Maybe Faith was a slayer for evil. Slaying all of good, until guilt had gotten to her.  
  
She had often wondered what would happen if she let herself be emersed in the darkness that she was born to.  
  
Would she be like Faith? Or would she be like herself right now?  
  
Would it then fill the hollowness that she felt in her soul? Would it help lessen the pain that encompassed her heart and soul that had been left by her one true love?  
  
If it did, she would do it any minute now.  
  
The pain that she harbored within her soul was deeper than any wound ever inflected on her body. Deeper than any ocean that covered most of the earth. And yet, it still wasn't deep enough to compare to her pain.  
  
As Buffy sat in her bedroom, she began to think about her past.  
  
Was it all worth it? Would the end result have been the same if she had given in to the darkness? The evil that kept clawing at her insides, demanding to be let out, to be free?  
  
Would the world be a better place? Would she still had to suffer the pain that was now eating her up?  
  
Maybe it would have. Maybe everything would have been different.  
  
But she knew one thing, and that was that she was glad she was on the good team.  
  
Fighting for the goodness in things, even though at times she never really saw the point in fighting anymore.  
  
The pain that she felt every single day of her life never lessen. Even though people said time would lessen the pain.  
  
It hadn't. The pain was still fresh in her memories. And no matter how many days, months, and even years past, the pain will always linger. Reminding her of her broken heart and trust. It reminded her of the mistake she had made, she had given her heart to another.  
  
But it wasn't a mistake. She knew in what was left of her heart that she would never regret ever being with Angel.  
  
Sure, he had hurt her but she had hurt him in her own way. Pain was a funny thing.  
  
Once, a long time ago, she knew who she was. She knew her purpose, but she had lost her way as soon as Angel had left her already breaking heart.  
  
She had traveled down the path of loneliness. The path that would never give her what she wanted in the end.  
  
And all she wanted was her heart and soul. Her Angel.  
  
Was that too much to ask?  
  
In her whole life, she never asked for anything but Angel.  
  
And yet, she didn't get him.  
  
Did she *ever* get what she wanted? She knew it sounded selfish, but she didn't care.  
  
For a long time she had always thought of others before her, well, who thought of her?  
  
Not her. Not her friends. Not God. Not the Powers that Be, they were just using her as a tool.  
  
Only one person ever thought of her and it both warmed and pain her heart when she thought of him and his half-smiles. And the way his embrace felt like heaven.  
  
She had touched heaven and peaceful contentment when she was in his arms, feeling like nothing could ever harm her.  
  
And nothing did. Angel's love had protected her, gave her a reason to fight.  
  
But now that his love was not with her, what should she do?  
  
Should she give up? That's all she felt these days.  
  
She felt like giving up ever since Angel turned his back on her, and yet, she didn't.  
  
She should've given up when her mother died, but she didn't.  
  
And there was one reason.  
  
She was waiting for Angel.  
  
Waiting for once more to hear him tell her that he loved her, feel his sweet embrace, and the peaceful contentment that he gave her.  
  
She would wait for as long as it takes, even when her body would leave this dimension. Her soul will always be with him.  
  
She asked herself again why it was that she continued living.  
  
And she knew the answer. She knew and it gave her peace of mind for once.  
  
No, she wasn't insane. No, it wouldn't have been better if she was evil. And no, she should never give up.  
  
She found peace. And she thanked her Angel for that.  
  
  
~The End~ 


End file.
